Are You Still Dating Your Spouse?
Have you ever picked up a book you read years ago and found it to be even better than when you first read it? It reminds me of Italian food. For some reason, Italian food tastes better to me the next day. Perhaps it gives all the herbs and spices a chance to really settle in. Whatever the reason, I love left-over Italian food!!
That's exactly how I felt when I re-read a few pages of John Gottman's book, "Eight Dates - Essential Conversations For A Lifetime of Love." I re-read some of my highlighted portions I made a few years ago and WOW, it was so rich and tasty! So much so that I wanted to pass some of it along to you.
As you can probably tell from the title, it’s about dating your spouse.
Here’s what he writes in chapter one:
The big secret to creating a love that lasts and grows over time is simple. Make dedicated, nonnegotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner. Don’t assume you know who they are today, just because you went to bed with them the night before. In short, never stop asking questions. But ask the right kind of questions.
But it’s about more than going out together for “dinner and a movie”; it’s about learning (or re-learning) how to engage in rich, meaningful conversations together. Because…
Relationships don’t last without talk, even for the strong and silent type.
In the third chapter, he lists four skills we need to engage in intimate conversations with our spouse. And when I read this, I thought of you and wanted to pass it along:
Skill #1
PUT INTO WORDS WHAT YOU ARE FEELING
Being able to describe what we feel, and why, is essential. This can be about anything – an experience at work, a childhood experience, an insight or observations about something, etc. And he provides a long list of feelings to choose from – 47 of them to be exact. Here’s the first seven, just to give you a taste:
– Accepted
– Understood
– Rejected
– Misunderstood
– Appreciated
– Unappreciated
– Abondoned
Skill #2
ASK YOUR SPOUSE OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS DURING AN INTIMATE CONVERSATION
These are questions that deepen the conversation without allowing for a simple “yes” or “no” answer.
For example:
What do you really wish for?
How did all this happen?
What else are you feeling?
What would you really like to say, and to whom?
Think of someone you really admire. What would he or she do and how would he or she view this situation?
Skill #3
MAKE EXPLORATORY STATEMENTS TO HELP OPEN UP YOUR SPOUSE’S FEELINGS AND NEEDS DURING AN INTIMATE CONVERSATION
These questions/comments help to build upon the questions in skill #2. Questions that communicate the message, “I’m still listening, I want to hear more”.
For example:
Tell me more about that.
Tell me what you think your choices are.
It’s ok not to know what to do, but what’s your guess?
Tell me what you’re most concerned about?
You’re being very clear. Go on.
Talk to me about the decision you feel you have to make.
Skille #4
EXPRESS TOLERANCE, EMPATHY, AND UNDERSTANDING TOWARD YOUR PARTNER DURING AN INTIMATE CONVERSATION
This includes emphatic statement like these:
I understand how you feel
Oh, wow, that sounds terrible
That must have upset you
You’re making total sense
You’re in a tough spot
It sounds like you feel really disgusted
That is very scary
No wonder you felt angry
Tell me if I have this right. What you’re saying is…
Well, you get the idea. It’s not enough to just go out on a date together. The goal is to reconnect conversationally on an intimate level, and this book can help you get there.
I probably have not done the book justice in my short email today, but I hope it will spark a desire in your heart to learn more. And most importantly, take action by making a plan for your next date night with your spouse.
In all honesty, I need to grow and take next steps in this area myself. Debbie has an understated way of dropping subtle hints about this to me, but I haven’t taken consistent action. But I need to. So if you’re feeling a bit challenged, so am I! Let’s grow together.
Go plan a hot date!